Love, Red Read online

  “No, it was just the opposite. We had a fantastic time. Sleeping with him is such a dream come true. Although, I didn’t sleep that much.”

  Anne had such a quick wit about her, “Oh, so there was plenty of hanky-panky. Not just all work. I was afraid he just wanted you for your mind.”

  I was amused at her thought. Yes, we had plenty of sex, but it was nice being appreciated for my brain as well.

  “So, when do you get to see him again?”

  “It won’t be until February. I don’t know how I’m going to wait that long. But between his work schedule and mine, our next opportunity is going to be Valentine’s Day.

  “God only knows how I’ll get through the holidays without him. I wish his boss didn’t make them go out of the country the last two weeks of December and the first two of January.

  “But we have lots of things to work on with his business, so we’ll be able to talk and keep things going with it.”

  I was so happy, I couldn’t wait to get home to write the story of our time in Florida. Chronicling our life together was forging the bond that tied us together.

  Love Letters – Our Time in Florida

  Dear Rune,

  Sometimes, our brains just need to forget all that is going on in our world and escape. For me, writing Shades of Red has given me that outlet. So much is going on at work. It’s like I’ve been away for six weeks – and yes, technically, I have been working, but everything takes on a whole new aspect when I’m working from London. Can’t explain how it is different, but it just is.

  As I started writing, my first thought was to say thank you for such a great time in Florida. My second thought was the smile that crossed my face as I heard you say, “My pleasure.” I feel so much energy in what we were doing. I sense what you’re going to accomplish with your and James’ business, and the fact that you’re letting me help you means so much to me.

  I think back to the moment we first met and nowhere in that second did I think we would be where we are today. In many ways, life is so extraordinary. One minute, we are struggling with the decisions we have made that have turned into complete disasters; and the next minute, the world is giving us an opportunity to accomplish something totally unexpected. I believe it is our combined energy that is going to change what you will accomplish.

  Wish I could explain to you why, but I really can’t. It’s like the Moody Blues tickets and the trip to see the final Space Shuttle launch that I’ve told you about. It’s just this overwhelming belief that it will happen. I keep closing my eyes and seeing the vision. But it’s not just been my energy; it will not work without the energy that is generated between the two of us.

  I’ve told you how I started my journey to get fit. Knowing I needed to be a better me, but realizing at that same time, that the strength that is you is what drives me to be my best self. I may be completely off-base, but I think there is something about me being a part of your life that has that very same effect on you. I’m thankful that we have a way of constantly changing roles. When I am feeling most vulnerable, you are my strength. When you are fragile, I’m there to support you. What a unique friendship we have.

  And what extraordinary benefits come with that friendship. I want to ask you if it’s just me. Am I completely out of touch with reality? I feel like every time we make love, it just gets better and better. Maybe it’s how you’re teaching me to let go of my emotions. Maybe it’s how you’re finding new ways to touch the inner me. Maybe it’s how I’m learning to trust, which is something I’ve never been able to do before.

  Maybe it’s the laughter; maybe it’s the teasing; maybe it’s you looking at a menu and pointing out to me the word “tails” on it so that you can watch me turn red. I know I’m not beautiful, but at the same time, I know that what I have offered you is so much more important than being photogenic or having a perfect body. How you lying on a couch and holding me and comforting me is one of the most precious gifts anyone has ever given me.

  But on the other hand, it’s the sexual and sensual response that is part of making love to you. My mind has relived those moments in Daytona Beach so many times. I’m a little red right now, just thinking of how good it felt to have you entering me from behind. It was that moment when you realized how wet you had gotten me and knew how easily you would slip into me.

  It’s how quickly you get hard because you know how much you are desired. It was finally getting to bend over for you and hoping it was bringing you the same pleasure it was giving me. Smiling because I know there is a table in my house that you will have me leaning over one of these days.

  It’s feeling the rush of you coming. There is so much satisfaction in that moment. It’s that perfect moment of sheer bliss. It’s you allowing me to feel your pleasure. Letting me give back to you for all you have given me. But the one thing that means as much to me as the astonishing way you make me feel physically, is the way you wrap me in the warmth of your smile.

  Thank you so much for such a fabulous time.

  The memory of you makes me smile and blush :-),

  Gwynyth

  Chapter 23 –

  Basking in Memory

  When I returned to Houston, I was so happy to be a part of his life. He was including me in meetings with his vendors, and we continued working the plan.

  I missed him, but the holidays were coming up; and I had so much I needed to do for work. I was also continuing my weight management journey, and I was determined that I would lose a few more pounds by the time he came to Houston in February.

  He had been so complimentary about the progress I had made when he saw me in Florida, but he made sure I knew that it wasn’t a factor for him. I was also learning how to take compliments from people I hadn’t seen since I had started down the road to take charge of my health.

  In times past, when I would lose weight, someone complimenting me always triggered a negative response. I was finally “owning” who I was and happy for the changes that I was seeing, not only in my health, but in my confidence as well.

  I had found a new favorite song. I had clicked on a clip on Facebook where someone sang a portion of the Bob Dylan song Make You Feel My Love. As we all do, when we hear or see a snippet of something, we immediately go out to YouTube to find more.

  I came across a version of the song by an artist unknown to me – Ronan Keating. It was the most beautiful version of the song I had ever heard. I immediately went to the iTunes store and downloaded it. To say it is the best $1.29 I have ever spent is an understatement.

  I set the repeat option on my phone and started exercising to the song. I found I could exercise three times longer on my elliptical because I would get lost in the words.

  The one line that haunted me was the one that talks about the love of his life not having made their mind up yet. I knew Rune was still struggling with who and what we were, but his emails and texts were not giving me any indication of what was about to happen.

  Chapter 24 –

  Forgetting How to Inhale

  I wish there were a different explanation as to what happened next, but unfortunately, there isn’t. The only thing I can think of is that the time warp that had pulled me into the alternate universe suddenly realized the door that it had opened for me and slammed it shut with a vengeance.

  Unexpectedly, his responses to my texts started to make me think I was somehow texting the wrong number. Most times, he would send a short response of 10 words or less. Other times, he wouldn’t answer at all.

  All of a sudden, I was in a dark room with hundreds of doors in multiple colors in my line of sight, and I had no idea which one would get me back to the universe we had been living in for the past six months.

  I made several attempts to get him to talk, but it was as if he was no longer connected to me. I would even ask him what was wrong, but all he would say was that he was just too busy with work, his son, and life in general.

  But deep in my heart, I knew something was wrong. I just didn�
�t know how to reach him. I had always been terrified that our being 1700 miles apart was going to be too difficult for him. From long experience, I knew that he needed to have someone in his life, and my fear had always been that he would meet someone else before giving us a chance.

  “What’s wrong?” I texted again.

  “Sorry, been busy with Caleb. Will call later,” he responded.

  But I knew something was very wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the feeling of dread that was overcoming me created an emptiness that I couldn’t shake.

  So I did what I had done so many times in the past few months. I put my feelings into words.

  Love Letters – Please Don’t Throw Away What We Have

  My Dearest Rune,

  I apologize, as this is a very long email. I’m not sure why you aren’t responding, and the last time we talked, you were so distant.

  We have been friends for so long, and we have shared so much these past few months. Nothing you have said or done in the past six months has led me to believe that you weren’t willing to explore who and what we are to each other. I knew you weren’t ready for a relationship, but as much as neither of us wanted to admit it, what we have can’t be characterized as anything but a “relationship.”

  We are lovers; we make great business partners; we have a trust that is unique. And we can call it anything we want, but at the end of the day, it is a relationship.

  I’ve said it before, I know I’m not beautiful, and I’m not photogenic. But love isn’t about looks. It’s about mutual respect; it’s about common goals; it’s about having someone by your side that would do anything for you; and that you would do anything for. It’s about having someone to walk on the beach with and share the thoughts of the day, or how we are feeling, or just listening.

  It’s a balance of give and take. It’s about who you want to be at your bedside if you are sick, and whom do you see yourself swinging on the front porch with when you get old? It’s about having someone by your side that you are proud of. When we have talked about meeting with your business contacts, I always felt that when you thought of those situations, you would have been proud to have me by your side because of the class, grace, style, and professionalism that I would bring to those meetings.

  When I think of what we have shared these past few months, I wonder if you realize how rare it would be to have a woman write Shades of Red for you. How seldom we meet someone who causes the physical responses in each other that we do.

  But I wonder if your idea of love is realistic. Love isn’t about perfection. You know I love you, but I am smart enough to realize I can’t make you love me. Either you do, or you don’t.

  With what we do share, is it possible for the love that you do feel for me to grow into the relationship that you have always dreamed of having? Yes, it can, but you would have to give it a chance to.

  Would it have its challenges? – of course it would. We live 1700 miles apart, but I have the ability to travel and work from wherever I want. And before you panic, I’m not talking about moving to Boston tomorrow. I’m saying I have flexibility, and that gives us options.

  Here is where we are. I’m your friend. Knowing someone’s character is essential. I think I have proven my character to you many times over in the past 33 years. I think the last six months have shown both of us what true friendship and trust looks like.

  But I’ve also been your lover for 33 years. I may not have been the person you turned to when your marriage fell apart, but as soon as you had the opportunity to rekindle what we have shared, you took it.

  Was it strictly an ego thing for you? My heart doesn’t believe that is the case. I think you have more character than that.

  I believe you encouraged what we have because there has always been a part of you that is drawn to me for so many different reasons. I’ve also thought a great deal about our OMG issue. Why don’t I let myself go when we are making love and have that moment that you want me to have? Why didn’t I give you what you wanted when we were in New York and Florida?

  Two things come to mind. One, I desperately want to be able to tell you I love you when we are making love, but I’ve always been afraid of saying that to you. Holding back from saying that, is holding back on everything. I know that you know I love you, and when you are inside of me, I so want to tell you. But I hold back, and I think (actually I know), it makes me hold back physically as well.

  It’s no secret how I have felt since we met, but I was a bundle of insecurities at the time. And as much as I have enjoyed every second that we have spent making love, there has always been this fear that you were going to break my heart. I trust you enough now to tell you that.

  I’ve known that you have always held back when you are with me as well. You may enjoy the physical side of what we have, but you have never let your heart care about me the way I want you to.

  Maybe I’m looking for you to have that OMG moment. The moment when you realize that someone loves you for who and what you are (flaws and all), and that you love someone because of their imperfections, not in spite of them.

  I’ve always felt in many ways you were looking for what we have; you just seem to think it is going to come in a different package. But you will never find what we have with someone else. It will be different, and you will have to accept her for her strengths/weaknesses and accept that she will never be able to give you some of the things I have.

  And that’s not because of shortcomings, it’s because as individuals, we are all incredibly unique. Only I can give you what I have given you.

  Or maybe you think if you hold out, you will find that perfection. But people aren’t perfect, so you will always be disappointed. Or maybe you will do your best to find perfection and prove me wrong.

  I could think it was very selfish on your part to use my love to stroke your ego, but I just don’t think that’s why you let me back in your life. I think you care about me and want me, but for some reason, it frightens you. That desperation in your voice in August to have your friend be there for you was coming from your heart.

  You know that I want us to see where our “relationship” might take us. We have been doing this for 33 years. We are both older and wiser now. We both have great careers and good lives in so many ways.

  We both bring out the best in each other. However, if you need to find me in another package, then you have to understand, I need to take myself out of the equation. I can’t handle you being in love, looking for love, or watching you love someone else again, especially if you have never given us a chance. I can’t be there again when it breaks up, or you want to know that someone loves you so completely, so you turn to me to have that reminder, only to tell me you need to find someone else who fits “all” of your perfect mate criteria.

  So now, you have to step back, think about what you want, and yes, you have to respond to this letter. I’m not going to make it easy for you. You need to tell me what is going on. You owe me that much with all we have been through these past 30 years.

  One thing you have to know. Even if we never talk to each other again, I will always be your friend. But most of all, I will never not love you. That is just not something that I can stop doing. I will never want to stop telling you “sweet dreams;” I will always be wishing I could be writing chapters of Shades of Red until we are both over 90 years old; and I will never want to not be telling you how much I want you to make love to me.

  My life is better with you in it, but I will respect it if you don’t want me in your life.

  Love Always,

  Gwynyth

  Chapter 25 –

  Is This the End of the Road, or Just the Beginning?

  All I could do now was sit back and wait. I looked at the screen saver on my phone. It was the saying that was on the bridge to the beach on Fire Island. I thought it was so prophetic when Rune and I were there.

  Was this really the end of the road for us? Had the past 30+ years just been two weak souls who kept
meeting up for a sexual encounter and nothing more than that? Had the last six months of texts, phone calls, and seeing each other been two people playing the same game we had for years, but briefly intensified because he was lonely?

  I was grateful that I hadn’t used all my vacation at work and had three weeks off in December. I wasn’t coping, and concentrating on work would have been next to impossible. Luckily, I had the Christmas holidays to get ready for. Doing things was temporarily taking my mind off the ache in my heart.

  Luckily, he didn’t make me wait long for his response.

  Love Letters – My Version of His Response

  Dear Gwynyth,

  You are right, that was a very long email, but you have a true gift when it comes to putting your thoughts into words. You will never know how much I cherish our friendship or the hours of conversations, both serious and teasing, that we have shared.

  It is quite unusual to find someone who thinks like we do and to have so many things in common. The fact that we have always been there for each other and that you came to NYC when you knew I needed you is something I will always be grateful for. I hope you know that I would travel to the ends of the earth for you if you ever needed me.

  I’ve been distant because I’ve been struggling with something that I haven’t found with us. Call me foolish or stupid, but there is something lacking; and as hard as I have tried to make it happen, it just isn’t there.

  After we left Florida, I struggled to understand what I was feeling. I enjoy what we have, but there is something missing. The only way I can describe it is that there is a certain spark that is absent for me; and as unique as our relationship has been, I don’t know if I can live without it.