Love, Red Page 7

  Me: “Sister, I’m not sure I understand. Is God really everywhere?”

  Sister Mary Catherine: “Of course He is,” came the very exasperated reply. “He created all things, and therefore He is a part of everything.”

  Me: “Cool,” not trying to be flippant, but very pleased with her response. “I was concerned about this whole thing about going to hell.”

  Sister Mary Catherine: “What do you mean? If you don’t obey the Ten Commandments, you will indeed go to hell.”

  It was becoming obvious that I was annoying her and interrupting the lesson.

  Me: “Is God in hell?”

  Sister Mary Catherine: “God is all good; He can’t be in hell.”

  Me: “Is God everywhere?”

  Sister Mary Catherine: “I just said God is everywhere.” That comment came with a huge sigh and very dramatic eye roll.

  Me: “Then it stands to reason that if God is everywhere, and He’s not in hell, then hell can’t exist.”

  Our exchange went on for quite some time, with the outcome being that Sister Mary Catherine told everyone I was going to hell because I didn’t believe in it.

  But my mind was very black and white, and as far as I was concerned, she had proven my point.

  • • •

  I remember the day that I came to understand what the concept of the trinity meant to me. I was reading Shirley MacLaine’s book Out on a Limb, and there is a statement about the “mind, body, and soul.” It was as if I was seeing that phrase for the very first time in my life. Suddenly, many of the spiritual readings of my past, as well as conversations I had with Reid, were all coming into focus.

  I finally understood what the concept of the trinity meant to me. Even the symbolic gesture of making the sign of the cross that I had made a thousand times over, suddenly had new meaning. It was the symbolism of touching one’s forehead – the mind – then touching the heart – the body – but then crossing it with the spirit – the soul.

  My relationship with Reid got me to thinking that maybe we didn’t have one soul mate, but we might have several. The body, mind, and spirit are three very distinct parts of us. But together they are one. Rune was definitely the physical side of me. Yes, we could talk for hours, but we never talked about the spiritual aspects of life.

  Reid and I had a very different kind of chemistry and a respect that prevented us from being lovers – at least in this alternate universe. It is something he and I had spoken about many times. Could we possibly know each other the way we did without being lovers?

  The level of intimacy that we shared was normally reserved for people who were a couple. We would sometime feel that the closeness we had was a bleed-over from another time/space continuum where we were more than just friends.

  When we did training classes together, it was not unusual for one of us to start the sentence and the other one to finish it. I remember after one class, one of the participants came up to talk to us about a few things and then asked the oddest question.

  She said, “How long have the two of you been married? You work so well together. I could never work this closely with my husband.” We looked at each other and our thoughts immediately connected. We knew why she asked the question. The energy that each of us had was magnified by the other. Together we became one when we were in front of the classroom.

  • • •

  The first year we met, Reid and I went through a lot. We both lost our fathers, mine to cancer, and his to suicide. I also lost one of my very best friends. Up until that time, I had never been close to anyone who had died.

  Reid was in my office when I got a call from my little brother. Liam and I weren’t close, so when I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I knew something was wrong.

  “Hey, sis. I don’t want to alarm you, but you need to think about coming to see Dad,” he said.

  Dad was in the hospital, and Liam was getting his information second hand, so I decided to call my stepmom directly.

  “Lorraine, I just spoke with Liam, and he said Dad isn’t doing well. What’s going on?”

  “It’s been real up and down the past few days, but your dad and I were just talking to the doctors, and his blood work is looking much better.”

  “Should I get on a plane now? Or do you think I can fly out this weekend?” I know she heard the fear in my voice, but Lorraine had always been straight with me, and I knew she would tell me the truth.

  “Gwynyth, I think your dad would love to see you, so if you can work it out and fly in on Thursday or Friday, he would really like that. But the doctor was all smiles when he left a few minutes ago.”

  We hung up the phone, and I looked at Reid and said, “I’m scared. My little brother is saying come now, but Lorraine is saying things are looking better. I’m not sure what to do.”

  “Let’s check on flights. Your stepmom said this weekend is fine. Let’s look at flights going into Little Rock. You’ll only be missing a couple of days of work, but you’ll feel better once you see for yourself how he’s doing.”

  We found a couple of flights that we thought would get me there with only one stop. Satisfied that I could be there that weekend, my mind turned back to work. Reid went back to his office, and I started the revisions on the section of the training manual I had been working on. I would call Lorraine before going to lunch.

  I had always thought that there was a specific protocol that hospitals had to follow, but that day I learned that some people don’t read their manuals very well.

  Two hours later, I called my Dad’s hospital room to talk to Lorraine and find out what would be the best flight for me to take.

  “Hello, Nurse’s Station 6 West. How can I help you?” was the answer I got.

  “I’m sorry, they must have rung the wrong number.”

  “Who were you trying to reach?”

  “William Rutledge. He’s a patient – Room 635. Can you connect me?” I asked.

  “Who’s calling?” the nurse asked.

  “Gwynyth Rutledge. I’m his daughter.”

  This is where her words faded into a blur. “Ms. Rutledge, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your father passed away about 30 minutes ago. Your mom has gone to make some arrangements.”

  There was a little bit of comfort when she referred to Lorraine as my mom. Technically, she was my stepmom, but I felt a closeness to her that I had never had with my own mother. She, more than anyone else, was the one person I always turned to when things weren’t going well in my life.

  My whole world went dark. I was replaying the conversation with Lorraine over and over in my head. The doctors said the tests were showing signs of him getting better. Less than two hours later, I was being told my father was dead.

  For a few moments, I was lost in disbelief. I was angry at the way I had been told my father had died, but more angry at myself because I would never have the chance to say good-bye.

  I went to Reid’s office.

  “What’s wrong? Did you talk to Lorraine?

  “He’s gone,” was all I could say as I sat there stunned at hearing my own words.

  “What do you mean, he’s gone?”

  It took me a few minutes before I could finally speak. “I called to ask Lorraine which flight worked for her, and one of the nurses told me he passed away about 30 minutes ago. Could you please look into making reservations for me and let our boss know what happened? I need to be alone for a few minutes, and I just don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.”

  I went back to my office and closed the door. I couldn’t even cry yet. I was desperately trying to process what I was feeling.

  My office was set up with my computer on the back wall, so when I was working, my back was to the door. I folded my arms on the desk, laid my forehead on my hands, and let the tears flow.

  The next thing I remember was a weight across my back and someone gently running their hand up and down my arm. I could feel their breath as they whispered in my ear, “Gwynnie, every
thing is going to be okay. You don’t need to worry about your dad. I’m in good hands now.”

  The voice was familiar when I heard my name. My mind did a quick rationale of what I heard and quickly thought it must be my friend Tom. I just assumed I hadn’t heard the door open or him walk into the room. But it was the use of the pronoun “I” that jolted me.

  I immediately lifted my head to turn and see who was there. But instead of seeing Tom, the room was empty, and my door was still closed. To this very day, I am still convinced that my dad came to say good-bye to me before moving on.

  • • •

  My Dad’s funeral was only the third funeral I had ever attended in my life, but the first one where I was emotionally attached to the person who died. I read the following poem at the funeral. It was one that Reid had written and given to me just ten days before my father passed away. I read it again at my friend Calvin’s funeral several months later. And Reid read it at his father’s funeral that fall.

  Today I walked a solitary stretch of sand,

  Shore birds played tag with the waves

  And gulls called overhead.

  The surf thundered its scorn before silently erasing my footprints

  Leaving a fresh tablet to be written upon again.

  My life will be a footprint in time’s sand,

  The effects erased so quickly that the significance is lost.

  But just as on the beach,

  The footprint of my life will reorder the sand

  Altering relationships

  And ultimately destiny.

  I read the poem because I wanted everyone to know that even though my father had only been in my life a very short time, his impact on what I had become was made, not by some overwhelming presence in my life, but by the smallest of direction.

  That poem, more than any other I had read in years, made me realize that every relationship alters who we are. Sometimes for good, other times for bad. But it is how we perceive those encounters and how we let them influence us that is critical to who we become.

  My father’s unexpected death showed me how easily life can change. It was the reality of hearing that he was beating cancer one day, and then without warning, he was gone.

  I vowed from that day forward, that I would see death for the gift it was. None of us wants that day to come for ourselves or a loved one, but death is a way of reminding us that we have to live each day to the fullest.

  • • •

  It’s not that I was always happy, and to be honest, I have had my share of bouts of depression over the years. Even when things were at the lowest points in my life, there was always something that kept me going. Part of it was being there for my daughters; part of it was the love I had for Rune. But a large part of what kept me on an even keel was my friendship with Reid.

  In many ways, Reid was the big brother I’d never had. He knew about Rune – there weren’t many people that I didn’t tell the story about the beautiful blue-eyed man who had captured my heart. Reid looked after me and did his best to protect me. He would listen to me cry about why couldn’t I find someone to share my life with.

  I can’t say I had forgotten about Rune, or even given up on the idea of our ever being together, but for some reason, I just didn’t think it was something that was ever going to happen for us. And at that point, I didn’t think we would ever be lovers again.

  But circumstances have a way of bringing people back into our lives. Rune and I had never lost touch completely. We would talk every now and then, sharing what was going on in our lives. And we were very good at pretending the affair had never happened.

  I remember asking Reid one day, “When am I ever going to find someone who will just walk the beach with me and hold my hand?”

  His sage reply was, “You need to be open to the possibility.”

  And I did feel like I was open to loving someone other than Rune.

  I met Daryl in the late eighties. A friend of mine was heavily into playing with Ouija boards, and one night, it told her she needed to introduce us. I had never believed much in those types of things, but I figured there was nothing to lose by meeting someone over the phone. We hit it off instantly.

  Again, I threw all caution to the wind and decided to follow my heart. I was living in Dallas at the time; Daryl was living in Houston. We had a whirlwind courtship that was built entirely on a fantasy. As soon as we got engaged, I was able to transfer to the Houston office.

  We were married in 1989 in full court costume at a Renaissance Festival near Houston. Daryl had written an elaborate story about a past life and how we were reuniting in this one. For me, I believed the fantasy of love that I always wanted was coming true. Instead, I soon found myself trapped in a nightmare.

  It didn’t take long for all the red flags that I had ignored to start surfacing. It is remarkable how a true narcissist has a way of fooling people. I continued to pretend that he wasn’t as disconnected emotionally as he seemed, and I was a master at ignoring all of the signs that were literally slapping me in the face. I stayed focused on the fact that I finally had someone who said he loved me, and I wasn’t going to walk away.

  Ignoring reality, I went through the process of planning the wedding and reception with minimal input from Daryl. I was doing all of that with Reid. He was an ordained minister and was going to perform the ceremony. We spent countless hours talking about what we wanted to do. He and I were the ones who found the vows that Daryl and I would recite.

  Looking back, I realize I was pretending and trying to make the dream of someone loving me come true. And I did it at the expense of the two people who meant more to me than life itself – my daughters. I dragged them into the nightmare that Daryl would eventually create in my life, some of which I still have not forgiven myself for, to this very day.

  In many ways, I knew the relationship was doomed the day we got married – for two reasons. One was the conversation I had with my friend Meredith on the way to the ceremony.

  “Gwynyth, have you thought this through completely? What would you do if Rune decided to show up in your life again?”

  “That’s never going to happen. We both know that.”

  “How do you know? The two of you have been going in and out of each other’s lives for years. Please, you don’t have to go through with this. I know how much you want someone to love you, but you aren’t being honest with yourself. I’ll shut up about this if you can honestly tell me that you aren’t still in love with Rune.”

  I know there was anger in my voice as I responded, “Look, if you can’t be happy for me, then you need to just keep your thoughts to yourself. I can’t wait for Rune to grow up and figure out who we are to each other. He’s moved on with his life, and I need to move on with mine.”

  I was pissed at her for saying all of those things. I was on my way to get married, and I couldn’t believe she would say something like that to me. She knew how I struggled because Rune had never given us a chance.

  But more importantly, I was pissed because I knew she was right. Only a best friend would care enough to bring up what she had the courage to say to me.

  There is a part of me that so wishes I had listened to her. I knew I would never love anyone the way I loved Rune, but sometimes you just have to move on with life. But I regret not heeding her words. Not so much about Rune, but it was almost prophetic from the standpoint of the havoc that Daryl’s presence would cause in my life.

  My self-esteem took its first big blow from Daryl the very day we got married. I had literally done everything, including preparing all the food for our reception. I was exhausted, but the one thing I was looking forward to was having a wedding night to remember. Unfortunately, I did remember it, but for all the wrong reasons.

  My relationship with Rune is a big indicator of the level of passion I have. That night, as I anxiously anticipated making love to Daryl for the first time as my husband, he decided he was too tired to consummate our marriage. It was the biggest slap in th
e face to be rejected hours after having exchanged vows.

  Many years later, he told me that he felt like once two people were married, having sex two or three times a year was more than enough. Our sex life hadn’t been great prior to the wedding, but I had thought that had more to do with jobs than with lack of interest. The fairy tale had begun to unravel before it even began.

  Even though the marriage quickly disintegrated, I was still holding out hope that it could be fixed. But then Rune called. I was struggling internally, but what made me open up to the possibility of seeing him again was the revelation I got from Reid. It was right after Daryl and I had moved into our new home and Reid came to visit. The two of us decided to go for a walk.

  “You’ll never guess who I spoke with the other day,” I said.

  “By the look on your face, I would say Rune.”

  “Am I that transparent?” I asked, feeling the blush of guilt come over my face.

  Reid grabbed my hand, and we continued to walk. “In some ways, yes you are, but I’ve known you for too many years, and I’ve only seen that look on your face when Rune is in the picture.”

  “I don’t know what to do. I’m worried if I see him again, what might happen. And even though my marriage is a farce, I just don’t know if I can be unfaithful again. It took me years to get over cheating on Miguel. Why do I have such horrible luck with the men in my life?”

  “Gwynyth, I’m going to tell you something I have never told anyone else. You know I struggle in my marriage as well. I don’t have the relationship with Sarah that I have with you. You are the other side of me, but you understand how important it is to me to keep trying, no matter what the personal cost. You need to think about how you’re going to feel if you’re unfaithful again. Will you be able to have one or two nights with Rune and be happy, or will the guilt consume you?”

  I thought his words were odd, and it was the first time I could see the internal struggle on Reid’s face as he continued, “As I said, I’ve never told this to anyone, but years ago, I met someone that stole my heart, just the way Rune has stolen yours. We tried very hard not to cross that line, but in the end, we gave in to our desires.”