Love, Red Page 17

  I love you. You are the most exceptional person I have ever had as a friend. I trust you more than anyone I know. We have been “friends with benefits” for years, and even without the OMG moment that I always wished I could give you, making love to you has been mind-blowing in so many ways.

  As hard as this is for you to hear, it is equally hard for me to say.

  I just don’t see us as a couple.

  I wish I was the man who could make all your dreams come true. I wish with everything in me, that I could be the man worthy of the love you offer.

  I had hoped that maturity would have changed the way I feel. But please forgive me and don’t hate me – it just isn’t there for me.

  It would be hard for me to give up our friendship, but I realize it may not be something you can handle.

  I’m an exceptionally lucky man to have someone like you in my life. Not just because you have written Shades of Red for me, although I will always treasure it for the unique way you have captured our times together. I have never known anyone and will probably never meet anyone with your level of emotions, passion, or convictions.

  You are correct in your assessment that I have held back as well. I’m not sure why. Maybe someday I will understand it. I truly don’t know where either of us would be without the support we have given each other over the course of our relationship.

  It is up to you what happens next. I hope that by my telling you all of these things, I haven’t lost you as a friend.

  Love,

  Rune

  Chapter 26 –

  Finding My One True Love

  There were so many conflicting emotions going through me when Rune decided we could never be a couple. I knew he still hadn’t given us a chance, but I no choice but to accept his decision. It’s not that I didn’t want to fight for us, but trying to force something was not my way of doing things.

  Rune knew the level of emotions that had gone into my writings. He knew the passion that I had not only for him, but for life in general.

  The fact that he said there was a “spark” missing from us was not something I could comprehend. Our way of communicating was filled with sparks. The way he loved to playfully tease me; the way he smiled when he made me blush; they were all signs of the unique chemistry that we had. I couldn’t begin to fathom what he was looking for that we didn’t have.

  My heart was shattered. My dreams crumpled in front of my very eyes. The pain was unbearable, but my heart was sad for many different reasons.

  I knew I would never make love to him again, and I knew the friendship that we had shared was over – at least in this universe. My heart felt an ache that was more than I could handle. For thirty years, there had always been hope, and now it was gone.

  All I wanted to do was to curl up into a fetal position. But as many times as life had thrown such unhappiness at me, I knew this was not the time that was going to send me over the edge. I was a fighter. I knew the overpowering effects of depression. And I knew I couldn’t give into it.

  There was always the thought of my daughters in the far recesses of my mind. I let them know over time that it was okay to be overwhelmed with life, but I knew that it was always going to be my responsibility to lead by example.

  The emotion – fear – that I had described in my letter to him was playing out with a vengeance. It was its own kind of death. We never know when we will take our last breath or see a loved one for the last time. There was a part of me that was extremely angry for not being given the chance to say good-bye to someone I loved once again.

  However, life is about coping with the unknown. Accepting the challenges of the day-to-day. But more importantly, life is about knowing when to move on. I was realizing that the story we had dreamed was no longer part of the universe I found myself living in.

  Self-doubt flooded my being. Was there anything that I could have done differently? Was it something I had said? Would I have savored the moments in Florida a little more if I had known what was around the corner? Would I have given him one last hug or held him a little tighter?

  What kept me from falling apart completely was the belief that in some other universe our lives were very different. I can only trust that someday, I will discover the door that leads to that dream I had always had.

  What I don’t know is if Rune will be on the other side of the door. Fate may have someone else waiting for me behind one of those doors. Someone who will generate the passion that I thought only he could spark in me.

  Standing in that dark room, trying to decide which door to open, a peace and calmness took over. I accepted that it was necessary for me to have loved him to the level that I did, so that I would somehow be open to a love that cherished me the way I had always dreamed.

  As crushed as I was, I was equally devastated for him. My heart knows he will never find the “spark” that he is looking for. He will have a momentary encounter where the spark is there, but it will only be temporary. Finding the combination of passion and friendship that we shared is not something that is easily duplicated.

  My venture into that alternate universe for six months where we were happy and discovering our future was all I had ever hoped for. Maybe that is a lesson for me to dream bigger and expect more.

  It was almost impossible to accept the fact that he didn’t want me as his partner, but I knew it was for the best. The fact that I never allowed myself to cry was a sign that life was about to take me on a journey I hadn’t even begun to imagine.

  There was a part of me that was grateful that it didn’t work out. We had very different ideas on a number of things, so I wondered if they would have been contributing factors to an eventual break-up. I would rather have ended it as friends instead of us hating each other.

  But what our not working out gave me was the one thing I had searched for all my life. And that was to find my one true love.

  I had never understood when I heard people say that we have to love ourselves first before we can truly love someone else. And it was Rune’s decision to walk away that helped me find the sense of self that had been eluding me my entire life. I came to realize that we are all born with love of self. It is the experiences that we have as children and adults that sometimes take it away.

  It’s also remarkable how when we connect with our true selves, it cascades into every other part of our reality.

  From a career perspective, the evolution of events that presented themselves had a huge impact. I was asked to be on a keynote panel at one of the largest Analytics Summits in the country, and my management was finally acknowledging my accomplishments.

  From a personal perspective, I finally understood what loving oneself first meant. It’s not about being cocky or thinking you are better than everyone else. It’s not about being selfish and thinking that others are less important.

  Being able to love oneself first means that there is a pride in who and what we are. That we appreciate the gifts we have been given. At the same time, we welcome the challenges, pitfalls, and difficulties of day-to-day life. We see both the good and the bad as a stepping-stone on our path to enlightenment.

  From an ethereal perspective, I’ve come to embrace the alternate universes that I share with others. There are other dimensions that I have yet to touch, but that are just as real. I’ve gotten a glimpse of some of them. My trip to Sedona opened the pathway to Love, Orange and my trip to Winchester gave me a peek at Love, Blue.

  I’m thankful for the passion, love, friendship, and laughter that I shared with Rune. I will never feel guilty over a single moment of what we experienced. I will never regret the gift that this alternate universe had shown me. I will always have a place in my heart for the man who inspired Love, Red.

  More than anything else, I’m thankful for the strength to deal with both the good and bad that comes with life. I might not always handle them with the grace and sophistication that I wish I could, and like everyone else, I fail miserably all too often. But Rune’s walking away gave me
a gift that I will forever be grateful for. Somehow, someway, I learned what the true meaning of the phrase “and they lived happily ever after” means to me.

  To be continued…..

  Acknowledgements

  Until a year ago, I had never been a big reader and I never thought I would be a writer, but sometimes life takes us to places we never expect. I could not have written this book without the love and support of so many people. And because this book is inspired by a true story, names and places have obviously had to be changed when necessary.

  That holds true for the acknowledgement section. But they know who they are and it was fun coming up with pen names for everyone.

  First, even though he will never read this book or know that I published it, I have to say thank you to Rune. It was the inspiration, stimulation, and desires of the past 30+ years that allowed me to put the words on paper. But he is my muse and for that alone I will always be grateful.

  To Grace – thank you for being my editor, publicist, confidant, but most of all, my very dear friend. This book would never have made it to print without your wealth of knowledge and guidance. Can’t wait until we get started on Love, Orange.

  To Reid – the other side of my coin – we have been through so much and having the male perspective has been invaluable. The insights of our conversations are interspersed through this book.

  To Carol – your knowledge of what good writing is inspired me to push myself to a standard that you would be proud of. I hope I haven’t failed you.

  To Jean – your comment when you first read the small portion of the book that I had sent to you and Carol, has followed me through this entire journey. Your instinct was to protect me. You were mad at Rune for having hurt your friend, but you gave me some of the best advice on what I needed to do in order to make it a novel.

  To Anne – you were so excited when Rune and I started seeing each other. In all the years we have known each other, you were always hoping that I would find someone who would love me the way you felt I deserved to be loved. Your faith that God only takes us on journeys that we are supposed to go on was the motivation I needed to write this book.

  To Colin and Eric – my dream team at work – you guys are my rock. You endured what we called my “bi-polar” nature during the six months that Rune and I were together, which was the catalyst for writing this book. You supported the highs and felt my pain with the lows. But through it all you had my back. You are truly the little brothers I always wished I had.

  And last but not least, to Julia and Marisa. Without my two beautiful daughters, I would not be the woman I am today. They were the reason I strove so hard to be the best person I can be. You have stood by me and loved me through all the personal drama. Without the two of you, life would not be the same. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul for taking this journey of life with me.

  Thanks and A Gift for You

  Thank you so much for reading my book. I hope you liked it.

  As you probably know, many people look at book reviews before they decide to purchase.

  If you liked this book, could you please take a minute to leave a review with your honest feedback?

  You can do that right here: happyflyingalways.com/recommends/loveredreview

  60 seconds is all I’m asking for, and it would mean the world to me.

  Your gift is in the PS!

  Thank you so much,

  Gwynyth

  PS – To download and read the first chapter of Love, Orange, please visit my website at: www.happyflyingalways.com and sign up to my exclusive list of subscribers who will get the first look at my next book.