Love, Red Page 14

  But every time you call me Puddles, the fear is removed, and there is hope in my heart that you want to make love to me again. That even with the obstacles we may face, there is always a part of us that moves past them because of all the other things that we have brought to each other’s lives. The hope that the friendship, trust, but most of all the passion, are something that mean as much to you as they do to me.

  Love,

  Gwynyth

  Chapter 19 –

  Our Journey Continues

  I had hesitated to sign my letter with the “L” word. Would it cause him to panic? Would he suddenly be afraid that we were moving way too fast?

  His divorce was final, but even though it was something he wanted, there was still a sadness associated with it ending. Plus, there were the repercussions it had for his son.

  But through it all, we never stopped the teasing. We continued to nurture the fantasies. And we even talked about things we hoped to one day do.

  “I can’t ever imagine not wanting to call you Puddles,” he said, as we talked about the latest installment of our book.

  “You do realize it’s not that easy detailing our relationship and how I feel when we are together.”

  “I can only imagine. Can’t say that I would ever be able to express what you have in the past few letters. And I know I might not say it, but it means a lot to me that you have given me those insights.”

  It was nice to know that he was not only enjoying my writing, but appreciated the efforts.

  “You know, we can make one of those fantasies we talked about come true on Valentine’s Day,” he said.

  “Oh, really, which one is that?”

  “I saw the trailer for the movie Fifty Shades of Grey the other day. It’s coming out on Valentine’s Day. I’m thinking we should make plans to see it. What do you think?” he asked.

  “Are we going to see if it is as wild as Shades of Red?” I asked, giggling.

  “Oh, I think you surpassed that a long time ago, Puddles. It’s been like having my own personally- written copy of Playboy magazine these past few months.”

  “I’m not going to make it until February. We need to see each other sooner than that.” I wondered if he could hear the desperation in my voice.

  “How about Daytona Beach? I’ve been wanting to introduce you to James and Sheila. He really likes your ideas about putting together a business plan for the company. It’s something we’ve been wanting to do, but neither of us is sure where to begin. When are you getting back from San Francisco?”

  “I have to give another talk on Tuesday at the conference I’m attending, but will be back in Houston on Wednesday. What is your schedule like?”

  “I have to be in Florida on November 10th, but can go a few days early. How about we meet on the 6th? We can spend some time with James and have some time to ourselves as well.”

  “Have you told James about us?”

  “Not really. He knows we’ve been friends for quite some time, but he doesn’t know the Shades of Red side of who we are. Not sure if anyone would believe that of either of us, Puddles.”

  “What are you going to tell him?”

  “I’m not sure just yet. It’s hard to explain our relationship to others. And to be honest, I’m not certain what we are, either.”

  I wasn’t sure if I liked the fact that he couldn’t define us or commit to what I thought was happening, but the logical side of me said I needed to give him time. He was fresh from his divorce, and as much as I wanted him in my life, I needed to give him time to heal from the situations he had been dealing with the past few years.

  It didn’t stop me from loving him, but I didn’t want to be the rebound relationship, either. I felt like time was on my side, and the fact that he wanted to introduce me to James said a lot.

  “Okay, then, let’s finalize our plans, and I’ll see you in Florida in two weeks.” I tried to sound so calm and nonchalant, but internally, I was soaring through the clouds emotionally. I couldn’t believe I was going to get to see him again. It wouldn’t be for my birthday, but it was close enough.

  I had one more letter to write before we would be together again. I had been working on one, but I didn’t want to send it until my birthday. The whole story centered on the power of that day.

  I knew I was taking a chance by sending it to him, but I had to fill in the final details about what it was like to make love to him.

  I was going to put it all on the line.

  Love Letters – Lust and Love

  Dearest Rune,

  Something you don’t know about me….

  I don’t think I have ever told you this, but thirty-one is my favorite number. When I was a kid, I dreamed of the day I was going to turn 31. Being born on Halloween, I always thought that when I turned 31 on the 31st of October, that I would get all my “witchly” powers. Those powers came in a very different form than what I thought they would.

  Growing up, I believed that the powers would be similar to Samantha on the TV show from the late 60’s – Bewitched. That I would be able to wiggle my nose and make things happen. However, the powers that I received were very different, but incredibly life-altering.

  The first was the power of knowing myself. Of knowing who I was, where I wanted to be in life, and yet, understanding that I still had so much to learn, so many insecurities to overcome. In other words, the same trials and tribulations as everyone else on the planet. But I knew I was headed in the right direction.

  The second power is almost like being able to twitch my nose and make things happen. I realized that if I envisioned something, and truly believed in it, I could make it happen. I’ve been able to manifest some interesting things over the course of the last 30 years. I have very strong influencing powers, but I’ve never used those skills to influence or manipulate someone else’s free will. The creed of all good witches is that you can’t use your powers for personal gain :-).

  I realized that certain people come into our lives for reasons we don’t always understand at first. Their roles play out over time. Some relationships are short-term; others span a lifetime. Others come and go over the course of 30+ years.

  It’s very possible that after reading this chapter, you will not want me to write all 50 chapters in book one, but then again, you might be looking forward to the 50 chapters in books 2 through 100. Please understand that I trust you completely.

  I need to finish the story of what it feels like when you make love to me. Not sure how you will react to what I will tell you in order to complete the story, but I’m hoping you understand.

  The most significant thing that happened at 31 is something I never in my life expected. I looked into the blue eyes of this sweet young man standing at my door and instantly had one of the best friends I ever had in my life.

  But I had two other emotions that filled me with that first look. And they are the two emotions left to complete the story of what it feels like when you make love to me – and they are the “L” words – lust and love.

  The word lust has several definitions – all of which seem to apply. One definition is a passionate or overmastering desire or craving. Another is an intense or uncontrolled sexual desire or appetite.

  One look at you and I was overcome with sexual desire. Shades of Red is obviously telling the story of an uncontrolled appetite.

  I have had crushes in my life. Guys that I was attracted to, but I wasn’t the type of person to have sex for the sake of having sex. But when I met you, there was a lust that I had never experienced. No one had affected me physically the way you did.

  There was this indescribable sensation throughout my entire body. There was this desire to be with you physically, to know what it felt like to be lying naked with you. I desperately wanted to know what it would be like to have you moving in and out of me.

  To feel your fingers touch my breasts. To be completely at your mercy, giving you complete control over my body. There was a sudden lust for wanting to kn
ow what it felt like to be making love to you.

  This letter is revealing things I probably shouldn’t reveal, but why would I stop doing that now? You are the only person I have ever used the phrase “making love” with. All others have been sexual encounters that were accompanied by caring, but it wasn’t making love. The difference is that when I’m with you, even when the lust is so strong, the feelings, the friendship, the caring, and the trust are as much a part of the act as is the act itself.

  The dictionary defines love as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for someone. It also says it is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. However love is also defined as sexual passion or desire. All of which apply when I think of you.

  I’m not sure how you define being in love with someone. And I’m hoping that the use of the word doesn’t upset you. Part of who and what I am is based on love at so many different levels. I’ve unofficially adopted so many friends of Julia and Marisa over the years because of the mother’s love that I have for them – so many of them mean almost as much to me as my own daughters.

  Maybe it’s because my parents weren’t nurturing individuals. I never wanted anyone else to feel that void, so I became their second moms. I have so many “extra” kids who are not related to me who think of me as their Granny or Auntie Gwynyth. Love is just a part of who I am.

  I hope that when I use that word in conjunction with you, it doesn’t frighten or bother you. I’m assuming that for each individual, love is something completely different. It’s not what you may be imagining.

  I know you have had relationships where suicide has been threatened if you didn’t return the love. But when I use the word “love” in reference to you, it’s very much a happiness that is coupled with an enormous amount of respect for you as a person.

  Yes, you make me smile. Yes, the thought of making love to you starts the waterfall flowing. But I care for you on many different levels.

  Maybe it’s not how you see love. Maybe you think I don’t “love” you the ways others have, but to me love is more than that curling of my toes as you kiss me; it’s more than the physical reaction that my body has when you go inside of me; it’s more than the physical pleasure that your touch brings.

  The way I see you and love is a conglomeration of different things. It’s the smiles and laughter. It’s the desire that the thought of you triggers in me. It’s being able to talk for hours and not be aware of the time. It’s someone who lets me write Shades of Red, which has given me an enormous amount of pleasure and taught me how to share my inner desires.

  It is hard to put the physical feelings into words. To describe to you what making love feels like. It’s the memory of your touch on every part of my body; it’s the wetness that the thought of making love to you generates. It’s the uncontrolled way my internal muscles contract, even as I write this to you.

  It’s feeling your skin next to mine. It’s watching your hands play with the tips of my breasts. It’s seeing you get hard, not because of the overwhelming desire you have for me, but because you know how much you are desired.

  It’s that moment of bliss when I feel the head of your penis touch the almond that is covered with juices that the anticipation of you entering me has caused. It’s the sweet moment of release that happens as I start to feel you move into me.

  The pure joy and contentment that I feel, knowing that the man that I’m looking at is more than a lover, but also a best friend. The one person I trust more than any other.

  But most of all, it’s memories like walking the beach with you that define what making love to you feels like.

  All my love,

  Gwynyth

  Chapter 20 –

  Meeting in Daytona Beach

  “You truly do have a way with words.”

  “Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?” I was almost scared to get the answer to my question.

  “No, it’s a good thing. Just not sure how to respond to your last letter. I know how you feel, and although I’ve always known you were in love with me, I’m afraid of hurting you. I’m still not sure if I’m ready for another relationship just yet.” There was such a sadness to his voice. I wasn’t sure how to respond.

  “Rune, we both know I’ve always cared a lot more than you. Maybe it’s because of my past relationships, but love has so many different aspects to it.”

  “I know, but the thought of hurting you is just not something I could handle. What if I can never return the emotions to the same level that you give to me?”

  I was almost in tears. Had I been too open and truthful? Should I have refrained from answering his question about what it felt like to make love to him with the level of honesty that I had?

  “Do you want me to cancel my flight to Florida?” I prayed I wouldn’t hear the words that could break my heart.

  “No! Why would you think that?”

  “If my telling you I love you was too much, we can step back. I know it’s a lot to take in, but it’s not a secret how I feel.” Again, I was praying I hadn’t blown it one more time.

  “Listen, Puddles. You’re right – it’s not a secret how you feel. I want to see where this is going to take us. We need to spend some more time together.” And then I pictured him breaking into the all-familiar grin. “We still have a few fantasies we have to play out – especially the one where I tie you to the bed post.”

  Everything was going to be okay. He still wanted to see me. He still wanted to make love to me. But most of all, he still needed his friend to be there for him.

  “I guess I’ll see you in a few days. I have a flight to San Francisco in a few hours, and I haven’t even started packing.”

  • • •

  Being in San Francisco was the longest four days of my life. Yes, it had been years since we had seen each other when we started talking again in May. And it been three months since we had seen each other in August in New York, but for some reason, the past three months had seemed like an eternity.

  I got through the conference and headed back to Houston. I was in town long enough to wash a load of clothes and pack a bag.

  My flight got in a little before his, which gave me a chance to settle my emotions. On the plane, my thoughts were going from total euphoria to complete devastation. Even though he had been the one to propose us getting together again, there was still a part of me that was overcome with insecurity. All I could think of was how was I going to handle it if he suddenly changed his mind and did not want to be with me.

  He texted me as soon as he landed. “Just touched down. Headed to baggage claim. Will meet you in front of the car rental area as soon as I have my luggage.”

  “I’ll be waiting :-)“ was all I could think to text. As many times as we had been together, as many times as we had talked and texted over the past few months, I felt like a school girl with her first crush.

  I was still in total disbelief that I would be seeing him again so soon. And it was even more amazing that after 30 years, we were finally exploring what might be.

  Seeing him walk down the hall stopped my heart. I was worried that all the hype and fantasies of our chapters of Shades of Red were going to be hard to live up to. But he quickly put my fears to rest.

  “Hi Puddles,” he said with that beautiful smile and eyes sparkling. “Have you missed me?” He put his arms around me and gave me a huge hug and kissed the top of my head.

  “Maybe a little,” I said grinning. “How many chapters have we written since August?”

  “You have written a few. There is no way I can keep up with you,” he said as he took my hand.

  “You keep encouraging me. I’ll stop whenever you tell me to.” Didn’t really want to say that, but thought I would give him the option. And if truth be told, I was having way too much fun writing our past, as well as the fantasies. They were unleashing a creative side of me that I never knew I had.

  “Shall we go check into the hotel?” he asked.

  “That would
be great. I didn’t get in until after 11 pm last night. And was at the airport at 5:30 am for my flight.”

  “I thought your flight from San Francisco was supposed to get in at 9 pm? What happened?”

  “My analyst and I were at the airport two hours early, but the flight was delayed almost an hour. We arrived in Houston, but a handful of us had luggage that didn’t arrive. I hope they have a hair dryer at the hotel, because mine is still in my suitcase somewhere between Houston and San Francisco.” Looking at him with a teasing twinkle, I added, “But I do have clean underwear.”

  “That shouldn’t have been a concern.” He leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I don’t plan for you to have them on very long.”

  Then he laughed out loud and added, “Blush number one for the weekend – I think I’ll keep score.”

  I knew my cheeks were bright red, but had to protest. “You wouldn’t do that. I’ll never get through the weekend.”

  “Sure I would. I think it will be fun.” The grin on his face told me it was going to an interesting couple of days. In my mind, I could only hope that this time, the minutes on the clock would stop moving, and the next few days would last an eternity.

  • • •

  As we started driving towards the hotel, I asked him, “So what did you end up telling James? Did you ever let him know that we are a little more than friends?”

  “I still haven’t told him anything. He is expecting me to stay with him and Sheila because that is what I normally do.”

  I think he could sense my disappointment.

  “I’m not going to force you to stay with me. If you’re concerned about what your friends might think, I’ll just have to accept it.” I knew I wasn’t hiding the frustration I was feeling.

  He grabbed my hand, “I am planning on staying with you. I just haven’t figured out what I’ll tell James yet.”