Love, Red Read online

  It’s all a form of making love to you. Being able to be there for you is an incredible physical sensation. It’s a feeling of peace that comes over me, knowing that I can be there for you physically. But more than making love, if our being together has shown you what true friendship and trust means, then I will never regret one moment that we have shared.

  Making love to you is a physical pleasure that goes way beyond the physical act itself. Physically, you stir things in me that no man ever has, and as much as I know you don’t want to hear this, no man besides you ever will.

  It’s the friendship and trust that we have that makes my desire for you so strong. I’m terrified that my being so honest with you is going to make you not want to continue our friendship.

  But what I have learned in the past few months is that I have to trust. I have to trust our friendship. That the ability to share fantasies, the desire to be completely vulnerable, and the knowledge that I would do whatever it takes to please you, lets you know how much you are desired. I have to trust that teasing me, making love to me, and calling me Puddles will always be something you look forward to.

  Thinking of what I want to do right now,

  Gwynyth

  Chapter 18 –

  The True Meaning of Friendship

  As we had done so many times over the course of 30 years, we continued to lead our separate lives. I no longer had children at home to worry about, but I did have a team of 20 that I was responsible for at work, as well as my kids and grandkids.

  I have to admit that I love my job. In 2011, I found myself in a position to build my dream team of analytic experts. We had a software package that no one took responsibility for that was just kind of floating aimlessly throughout the company. I was tasked with finding the value and determining our next steps.

  For people who don’t like numbers, it is hard to imagine, but the world was finally catching up with my thoughts. The hype around Big Data was rampant, and working for a large company found no shortfall of a need to analyze the information that we had in our various systems.

  What I enjoyed was being able to do what I knew would add value to the company. And that was to bring what was known as self-service analytics to the business. I had always believed that the power of the data belonged in the hands of the people who used the data. It went against most IT group’s ways of thinking, but I had successfully rolled it out in other companies, and I was determined to see how I could do the same thing on a much larger scale.

  Within three years, I was being asked to tell my story about self-service analytics at a couple of small conferences. It was at that first conference where I delivered the keynote address that I found a sense of myself that I didn’t know I had. Maybe it is why when Rune and I reconnected, I was completely different in so many ways.

  I was no longer the “fat girl.” I was an expert in my field. People were clamoring to hear more of my story and wanted to know how I was able to build the practice I had.

  It was that first talk, however, that sparked another item for my bucket list. I want to do a TED talk. I’ve listened to many of them, and although the topic I choose may morph into something totally different, it is definitely one of those dreams that I hope to accomplish.

  It was after that first conference that Rune and I found our way into each other’s lives again. The sexual banter was such a large part of our conversations, but I wonder if we would have related the way we did that time if my confidence level and self-esteem hadn’t been given the boost that it had been.

  We were both older and wiser, but I think we both desperately needed a confidant. Someone we could trust. Someone we knew wouldn’t hurt us. But most of all, someone we called “friend.”

  It was nice to have a friend who understood when we talked about our jobs and the challenges that each of us faced. We had long chats about the company that he had on the side.

  It was that business venture that sparked our next visit. But I had four weeks in Europe and another conference to attend before we would be able to see each other again.

  I had never done four weeks out of the country before, but his experience with being away for that length of time came in handy.

  “How do I possibly pack for four weeks?” I asked him.

  “You just have to remember two words, laundry service. And don’t forget to bring some detergent to wash your underwear and bras. Then again, if you don’t wear a bra, you can be thinking of me playing with the tips when you’re in all of those meetings.” His laughing was out of control.

  “Seriously, you think I wouldn’t wear a bra?”

  “You didn’t while you were in New York, and I enjoyed that thoroughly,” was his reply. My mind could see the smile forming on his face.

  “Do you have any idea what it does to me remembering being inside of you?”

  “I have some idea,” was my moaning reply.

  “Yes, Puddles, I can tell that you do. But what I enjoyed the most was walking with you on the beach. It’s sad to say, but I’ve never had a friend that I trust as much as I do you.

  “There were so many issues in my marriage, and I let most of the friendships I had just die away. I wonder if you’ll ever know how much I needed our friendship back in my life. I’m really glad you never stopped sending me those birthday greetings every year.”

  It felt like the alternate universe opened up when he said things like that. I was in a world that I had always dreamed of. My fantasy of being a part of his life was slowly taking shape.

  He continued his story. “I know that whatever I tell you is safe. As much as I enjoy making love to you, it’s the friendship that we’ve always shared that I couldn’t live without. Do you know that I would do whatever I had to do to get to you if you needed me?”

  This man truly knew how to draw me into his being. I loved him so much, and even though I knew his feelings for me weren’t quite the same, I could sense that he was allowing himself to get closer to me each time we talked.

  The fact that he valued our friendship was key to making “us” work. I was still filled with so much self-doubt about our relationship, but I wasn’t going to argue with all of the positive signs that I was getting from him. He was signing more and more of his emails and texts with the “L” word. He was letting me know how important our friendship was to him. But most of all, he was laughing with me.

  As I began my journey to London, I knew I would have time to continue to tell him the story of what it felt like for him to make love to me. As busy as I normally am with meetings and workshops while I’m overseas, I found time to put my thoughts on paper.

  There was a part of me that was drawn into the emotions that I was using to describe what it was like to be with him. I was starting to understand how I could have been in love with him for so many years.

  Love Letters – Fascination and Passion

  Dear Rune,

  I have said this before, but I wonder if you realize how vulnerable I have made myself, with everything I have written to you over the past few months. I’ve been trying to understand it. Why do I open myself up so much to you? Why am I exposing all of the raw emotions?

  When you said you wanted me to describe in detail what it feels like when you make love to me, the first thought that went through my mind was, “Why?” Maybe one day you will share your reasons, but until you are ready, I can only assume that you need me to. So this chapter will use two other emotions to describe what it feels like.

  The first is fascination. So many different things come to mind with that word. We have talked about my insecurities. How I realize I may not possess the physical attributes of what I would envision your dream girl to be. I wonder how you perceive that statement.

  Here comes that trust thing again. I know I’m average in many ways and above average in others, but the most beautiful woman on the planet can’t offer you what we have. I’ve come to realize that when we are together, you see an inner beauty, versus an external facade.

/>   I think you are fascinated by the fact that someone cares for you the way I do, but I think there is a physical fascination that you have as well. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve never had that OMG moment that you have had with other women in your life. It has to be confusing to you, because it definitely is to me. It’s not something I have ever experienced, but I’m still wondering how there could be anything even better than what I already have with you.

  I trust that there is, but when we are making love, there is a fascination about being with you that creates so many different physical reactions in my body. Just now as I wrote that, my body spontaneously took a deep breath. With the incoming breath, I experience the memory of you sliding into me. As I exhale, my muscles contract, and the desire to have you inside of me is so strong. The memory of you is so far from the real thing, but at the same time, it is so overwhelming to me.

  The fascination on my part has to do with the fact that I can’t believe you want to make love to me. But then there is a look on your face that tells me you like being inside of me.

  I could be so off-base in my assessment of what you are feeling, but in my mind, when you are making love to me, there are two thoughts that make you want to be where you are.

  First are the physical feelings. You like being wanted, you like the inner squeezing. You like knowing someone desires you the way I do. They are all ways of letting you know how much pleasure I get from having you inside of me.

  However, I think for both of us, there is another part of making love which centers on our friendship. Physically, we have both been with other partners. But emotionally, when we are together, for me, it’s making love to my best friend.

  The physical pleasure is intensified because of the bond we have. What struck me when I was in New York was a third aspect that was new to the equation. And that is the trust. The knowledge that what we have is unique, and the kind of trust we now have is something that neither of us has ever experienced.

  What makes it perfect is that once we start making love, the fascination is replaced with passion. The fact that we can be so completely physical, but grounded in friendship, brings what I feel to a completely different level. When the anticipation and fascination are replaced by the physical act, my body takes on a whole new characteristic.

  The passion is felt from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. My breasts immediately respond to your touch (but you probably never noticed that :-)). I love the way they harden as soon as you cup them in your hands. I love the way the waterfall starts flowing as you hold the nipples and play with them.

  I’ve often described the squeezing and how it feels, but when you start playing with my breasts, I can physically feel the wetness. It’s not overwhelming, but when my insides squeeze at the touch of your hands, the wetness is pushed to the lips of the almond, and there is a different sensation. It’s a sign that I am ready for you to slip yourself into me. I long to spread my legs apart and have your fingers touch the juices that you have activated.

  When I first feel your fingers touch the outside edge, the softness of your touch causes a reaction similar to what it feels like when you get a sudden chill. My whole body feels the touch. It’s always astonished me how the sensation is the same every time you have ever touched me.

  It’s like I said previously, every time we make love it’s as if it’s the first time. I’m dizzy with the knowledge that you are about to enter me. That I’m going to get to feel the hardness touch my inner lining. That I get to use my muscles to squeeze the hardness that has entered me. That the movement back and forth takes my breath away and that when I exhale, the pleasure of the motion touches every part of me.

  All I can think of now is how long are you going to make me wait before I get to feel you inside of me again? How long will it be before I can close my eyes and lose myself into the physical feelings of you moving in and out of me? How long before I have an opportunity to have your fingers slide up and down my thighs?

  How long before you tie my hands and softly kiss my breasts and have your tongue make circles around the tips? How long before I can squeeze you and have the chance to experience the OMG that you want me to have? How long before I get to feel you let go and come inside of me again?

  Missing your touch,

  Gwynyth

  It took me by surprise, how quickly the emotions were making themselves known, as I was trying to explain what making love felt like. Describing something that was so personal and intimate was challenging in one way, but very simple in another.

  Our times together had been embedded in my brain. The physical sessions of making love can vary on one hand, but are much the same. It’s the power of our minds that makes them unique.

  I often think it is why so many couples stray in their relationships. The act of making love doesn’t vary greatly. Different positions produce unique sensations, but after years of being together, it often can become repetitive and boring.

  What keeps the romance alive is what happens in our brains. It’s the longing for our partner. It’s the memory of that first kiss. It’s the way that our breathing changes when we remember the kindness that our love has shown us. It’s the way our heart races when we think they could be hurt.

  Yes, the emotions were easy. It was my way of letting him know how much he meant to me.

  Love Letters – Fear and Hope

  Dear Rune,

  As I said in my last letter, not completely sure if I should be writing this, but maybe this is an exercise in learning how to trust, being open and honest with someone, and letting life move us in whatever direction it sees fit.

  I’m thinking as well that you may be shocked at this point that there are so many emotions associated with making love to you. It’s an incredibly powerful physical sensation. Making love to you is a mixture of so many things. It’s the physical part, which takes me to a whole new realm of pleasure that I never knew existed, as well as an emotional one that has been part of making love to you since the very first time you touched me.

  Physically, the sensations that I feel when we make love range from pure pleasure to total disbelief that I’m actually getting to make love to you. The pleasure is often surreal in the sense that it’s like what I’ve heard described as an out-of-body experience.

  I still remember the first time you kissed me. The softness of your lips was mixed with the desire. My heart literally skipped a beat as you drew me into you. I remember your arms going around me. You have this way of slowly moving your hands up and down different parts of my body.

  As much passion as we have between us, that first kiss was sealing our fate. There was no turning back from that point forward. I often wonder what would have happened if you had not kissed me that night. Would there have been another opportunity, or would we have never known the pleasures that we have experienced over the years?

  I can’t imagine going through the last two weeks without your support. Being away from home for such a long time is much harder than I thought it was going to be. I wonder how you would be handling your divorce without my being there for you. Yes, we would have both gotten through it, but it has been so much easier for me, having you to talk to and lean on.

  If you haven’t noticed, I’m a very complex, yet very simple person. Maybe it’s just the way women are wired. But it has been a daunting task to try and let you know what it feels like for you to make love to me.

  So the next two emotions that are part of making love to you are fear and hope. Thinking that as you read that, you are a little shocked that I would mention the word fear associated with making love to you.

  It has nothing to do with being afraid of you, or thinking you would hurt me. It has to do with wanting to take in every sensation, every touch, every kiss, every smile, every grin, because there is a part of me that is afraid it will never happen again.

  I often wonder if it is the fear that keeps me from having that OMG moment that you want me to have. Each time we have made love, I have
concentrated so much on wanting to take in the physical pleasure that I never relax into the act of making love to you.

  When you start to touch me, my mind tries to capture the sensation – maybe that is why I have been able to write Shades of Red. I’ve retold almost every encounter we have had in very explicit detail. And trying to explain to you what it feels like to have you make love to me is all wrapped up in hoping you can somehow know the sensations that I experience.

  Can you feel what you are doing to me when I describe how my body responds to your fingers running themselves up and down my thighs? How as they move from one part to the next, my skin remembers the touch, and it’s as if there are a thousand points of contact all at once.

  As I’m sitting here and writing this, the memory of that touch is causing the waterfall to begin. The physical reaction that I am feeling is causing my breathing to change, and I’m thankful I’m sitting in a corner of the airport where no one can see the look on my face.

  When we were talking last night, my heart was literally breaking for you. How could anyone be given the gift of your love and not appreciate it? I’m envious and angry at the same time. That someone hurt your heart is so difficult for me.

  I can’t imagine anyone ever caring for me in that way. It is such a wondrous gift to be loved. I only hope that my friendship in some way is helping to heal the hurt that you have had to deal with.

  For me, I am thankful for every moment, every conversation we have ever had. I am thankful for every time you have teased me, every time you have called me Puddles and made fun of the waterfall that is generated with the thought of knowing that you are going to move your hardness into me.

  I am thankful for the passion that you generate in me. And yet at the same time, I’m overcome with fear that I have experienced your touch for the very last time. If there is any way you could tell me when that is going to happen, I would be so grateful. I want to make sure that I savor every second.